Never had a cold like this before. I’ve been literally knocked out for two weeks. With literally, I mean I didn’t read for a week. Mike Tyson didn’t punch me in the head. Although, well he might as well have.
It is true, I haven’t touched a book in the last two weeks. I also haven’t written anything either. I could neither consume nor produce and it felt good. Well, apart from being sick, of course.
Talking about Mike Tyson, I think it was him who once said: “Plans is what you make until someone punches you in the mouth.” Well said, Mr. Tyson.
I love making plans, but the problems is not that I like to schedule and plan my life, the problem is that I am in love with the tools to do so. The result is that it becomes secondary what I want to achieve, the how doesn’t matter either. Every other month I would change the tools and thus completely forget what I was aiming to achieve.
Then comes the fear of non-achievement (Is this a word? It must be, I just wrote it). Yes, I know I could call it the fear of failure, but that is not it. You can only fail at something you are actually doing, but it is very hard to fail at something you never attempted.
Wait a moment, does this even make sense? I realize it doesn’t. I can very well fail at becoming a millionaire even though I never attempted to become one. It’s, of course, a lie, not that I put much effort into becoming rich, but I am not fighting it either.
Wow, that is just sad. Imagine in how many things I can fail this way. In fact, I have failed so many times already. I did not become the youngest number one marathon runner or the fairest spelling bee contestant. I will never be the first Australian to win the soccer world cup. Maybe I shouldn’t be so pessimistic. Who knows what the future will bring?
Talking about the future. Considering that whatever will happen is likely a result of today’s actions or non-actions, should I be more worried about what I am missing out on in the present? Those two weeks may have thrown me much farther back than I think. And still there is no reason to fret it, as it has already happened and I can’t change it. My mind is truly my biggest enemy.
Talking about my mind, I noticed since I also stopped meditating for these two weeks, that I have become more irritable. I am less focused, but at the same time, I also feel sharper. More on edge but also more alpha than with meditation. This calls for the questions of possible negative consequences of meditation.
Scanning some of the literature I found these here:
Shapiro (1992) found that 62.9% of the subjects reported adverse effects during and after meditation and 7.4% experienced profoundly adverse effects. The length of practice (from 16 to 105 months) did not make any difference to the quality and frequency of adverse effects. These adverse effects were relaxation-induced anxiety and panic; paradoxical increases in tension; less motivation in life; boredom; pain; impaired reality testing; confusion and disorientation; feeling ‘spaced out’; depression; increased negativity; being more judgmental; and, ironically, feeling addicted to meditation.
SHAPIRO, D.H. (1982). Overview: clinical and physiological comparison of meditation with other self-control strategies, American Journal of Psychiatry, 139, pp. 267-274. SHAPIRO, D.H. (1992). Adverse effects of meditation: a preliminary investigation of long-term meditators, International Journal of Psychosomatics, 39, pp. 62-67.
Kutz et al. (1985a,b) described meditation side-effects such as sobbing and release of hidden memories and themes from the past: incest, rejection, and abandonment.
KUTZ, I., BURYSENKO, J.K. & BENSON, H. (1985a). Meditation and psychotherapy: a rationale for the integration of dynamic psychotherapy, the relaxation response and mindfulness meditation, American Journal of Psychiatry, 142, pp. 1-8.
KUTZ, I., LESERMAN, J., DORRINGTON, C., MORRISON, C.H., BORYSENKO, J. & BENSON, H. (1985b). Meditation as an adjunct to psychotherapy, an outcome study, Psychotherapy Psychosomatics, 43, pp. 209-218.
Other adverse effects described by Craven (1989) are uncomfortable kinaesthetic sensations, mild dissociation, feelings of guilt and, via anxiety-provoking phenomena, psychosis-like symptoms, grandiosity, elation, destructive behaviour and suicidal feelings.
CRAVEN, J.L. (1989). Meditation and psychotherapy, Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 34, pp. 648-653.
You probably noticed these studies are all over 25 years old. I got this from a discussion thread on a science website and I didn’t get a chance to scan the newer literature myself. But now that my interest is sparked, I will look into it. Stay tuned.